Giving feedback on Ziggy's draft

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Из курса от партнера University of Cape Town

Writing your World: Finding yourself in the academic space

39 оценки

University of Cape Town

Writing your World: Finding yourself in the academic space

39 оценки

Throughout the world, writing serves to express, record and even create meaningful moments. In academic spaces, writing becomes the bridge between ourselves and the world of ideas. In this course, we provide practical insights into how to write an academic essay. We show you how to develop the academic skills needed to be a competent academic writer. You will have an opportunity to engage with texts written by academics, and to see how some of the ideas in these texts are used by students in constructing an academic essay. We address some of the challenges these students face with respect to academic writing and offer you the opportunity to practice and to develop your own writing style. For this course, we centre our lessons around a specific topic - the concept of identity, since it forms such an important feature of how we locate ourselves in an ever-changing global world. In other words, this course teaches academic writing skills through getting you to write and reflect on your understanding of identity. So if you are thinking about studying at a tertiary institution, or if you just want to brush up on your academic essay writing skills, this course is for you!

Из урока

Starting to finish: writing the first draft

This week we sum up the ground we have covered in this course. The week is about crafting your final essay draft. We recap the building blocks of writing an academic essay, relooking at the features of an introduction, body, conclusion and the purposes of cohesion, coherence and referencing. We also consider and provide engaged feedback on the draft essays written by our three virtual students. There is detailed feedback on the strengths, improvements and opportunities for further improvement on the essays. The feedback is aligned with the core skills introduced in the course, such as writing the topic sentence, linking sentences and ensuring coherence and cohesion. Thereafter we sum up the course with a discussion on the ideas of the four thinkers you were introduced to in this course, namely Woodward, Sichone, Blommaert and Thornton.

Looking back on the course2:07

Round table discussion: Reflection on the readings14:44

The essay building blocks5:36

Referencing and managing sources5:54

Giving feedback on Ziggy's draft7:40

Giving feedback on Joey's draft3:45

Giving feedback on Ada's draft3:32

Looking forward2:16

Познакомьтесь с преподавателями

Gideon Nomdo
Lecturer
Centre for Higher Education Development
Aditi Hunma
Lecturer
Centre for Higher Education Development

Now, let's have a look at Ziggy's essay draft.

Ziggy's position in his final draft is much clearer.

He argues that while some aspects of identity change as individuals move across borders,

core aspects of one's identity remain the same.

This is evident in the introduction where he states:

"While every individual has a core identity that defines them,

I would argue that when moving across borders,

certain aspects of one's identity such as the clothes

one wears or the food one eats may change."

This is a clear position because Ziggy

shows that there are some parts of his identity that remain

the same and other parts that change rather than just

stating that all of identity changes or not.

However, Ziggy could have strengthened his introduction by being more

explicit on where his position overlaps with Woodward's.

As Woodward states, that identity is fixed, fluid, and changing.

What he latches onto is actually a gap in

Woodward's analysis since she doesn't grapple in depth with the issue of fixed identity,

something that he has come to term,

core identity, in terms of his own understanding.

This issue of core identity is something he could take further,

thereby adding to Woodward's research and to the area of identity research in general.

When referring to the African context,

Ziggy's writing could have benefited by linking his discussion on

xenophobia to what happens to

the actual identity of foreigners when they become the victims of violence.

So what aspects of identity remain the same when

confronted with hostile environments where immigrants are not welcomed?

What aspects become fluid and change?

These would be important questions for Ziggy to

consider when he writes his next essay draft.

He does a good job at beginning to grapple

with these issues through his reference to Thornton.

This link between Thornton and Sichone is a good one.

In terms of structure,

his use of linking words has improved considerably.

For example, he uses words such as "furthermore" in paragraph

three and "moreover" in paragraph four to link ideas between paragraphs.

These linking words show that he's able to extend the main idea of paragraph two which

concerns the restrictions on mobility in

the Apartheid era and their impact on ethnic identity.

He does this in two ways.

In paragraph three, through the use of the linking word "furthermore,

" Ziggy extends the main idea of paragraph two to the broader African context.

Here, he broaches on the issue of migration from

sub-Saharan African states to South Africa and the problem of xenophobia.

In paragraph four the use of the linking word "moreover",

links the main idea in paragraph four,

namely the impact of cross-border migration globally on identity,

to the main idea of paragraph three about

migration from sub-Saharan Africa to South Africa.

The conclusion clearly reiterates his position as can be seen in this statement:

"To conclude, while mobility puts a strain on one's identity,

I argue that there is a core element such as my Zulu identity which remains constant."

Ziggy could also summarize some of the key ideas he stated throughout

the essay to demonstrate that he has done

justice to the stance he took in the introduction.

With regard to managing sources and referencing,

Ziggy is good at in-text referencing but could also

specify the page number when referring to particular aspects of the readings.

For example let's look at his introduction:

"Here, I want to look at the issue of black identity in particular,

and I want to argue that blacks that are mobile

and that are engaged in border crossing to seek work,

are far more at risk of being devalued and negatively

stereotyped than that of whites that are also border crossing (Sichone, 2008)."

The in-text reference here could have been: open bracket Sichone,

comma 2008, colon 258, close bracket full stop.

Where 258 is the page number.

Also note that Ziggy includes the notion of white privilege

into the statement which can also be attributed to Sichone.

This is a missed opportunity on Ziggy's part as it could have also

shown how identities that move across borders can change,

as in the case of black identity,

and also remain fixed,

as in the case of white identity.

For example, Ziggy could write,

"Black foreigners coming into South Africa looking for work are being

labeled as job stealers and other derogatory names.

So black identity changes here.

On the other hand, white foreigners coming into

South Africa are able to keep their identities in one piece,

and are not subjected to the negativity that is attached to black foreigners.

White identity therefore seems to remain stable here.

Some theorists, like Sichone,

would argue that black and white identities are

still being constructed in this manner in South Africa today."

This is a point that Ziggy tries to assert with respect to the issue of privilege.

Ziggy could have strengthened this argument by further drawing on

Thornton's view on how differences are

created through unequal access to cultural resources.

This is a good illustration of how examples taken from

the readings can act as evidence to support the points the writer wishes to make.

Overall then, Ziggy's essay is a marked improvement on

the previous draft in terms of

a coherent argument that is threaded through out the piece.

In Ziggy's reference list,

he does quite well at this stage.

He has correctly stated the author's surname first

followed by a comma then the author's initial followed by a full stop.

He has italicized the title of the book and has

listed the place of publication as well as the publisher correctly.

He nearly gets it right for Sichone as well.

But, you will note, that he has not indicated that Shepherd and Robins are the editors.

In other words he has not inserted eds after he mentions the name of the last editor.

So here, eds, would come after Robins's surname.

He has also forgotten to insert page numbers as

that is necessary when you use chapters in edited books.

You will also note that Ziggy has completely

forgotten to include Thornton as a reference here.

Remember, that all the sources that you use in

your essay must appear as a reference in your reference list.

Now, you can look back on the tasks you submitted in

the first three weeks and the feedback you received from your peers.

Think about how these can be incorporated as you write your first full essay draft.

Feel free to make some changes to the work in progress.

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