Now, let's have a look at Ziggy's essay draft.
Ziggy's position in his final draft is much clearer.
He argues that while some aspects of identity change as individuals move across borders,
core aspects of one's identity remain the same.
This is evident in the introduction where he states:
"While every individual has a core identity that defines them,
I would argue that when moving across borders,
certain aspects of one's identity such as the clothes
one wears or the food one eats may change."
This is a clear position because Ziggy
shows that there are some parts of his identity that remain
the same and other parts that change rather than just
stating that all of identity changes or not.
However, Ziggy could have strengthened his introduction by being more
explicit on where his position overlaps with Woodward's.
As Woodward states, that identity is fixed, fluid, and changing.
What he latches onto is actually a gap in
Woodward's analysis since she doesn't grapple in depth with the issue of fixed identity,
something that he has come to term,
core identity, in terms of his own understanding.
This issue of core identity is something he could take further,
thereby adding to Woodward's research and to the area of identity research in general.
When referring to the African context,
Ziggy's writing could have benefited by linking his discussion on
xenophobia to what happens to
the actual identity of foreigners when they become the victims of violence.
So what aspects of identity remain the same when
confronted with hostile environments where immigrants are not welcomed?
What aspects become fluid and change?
These would be important questions for Ziggy to
consider when he writes his next essay draft.
He does a good job at beginning to grapple
with these issues through his reference to Thornton.
This link between Thornton and Sichone is a good one.
In terms of structure,
his use of linking words has improved considerably.
For example, he uses words such as "furthermore" in paragraph
three and "moreover" in paragraph four to link ideas between paragraphs.
These linking words show that he's able to extend the main idea of paragraph two which
concerns the restrictions on mobility in
the Apartheid era and their impact on ethnic identity.
He does this in two ways.
In paragraph three, through the use of the linking word "furthermore,
" Ziggy extends the main idea of paragraph two to the broader African context.
Here, he broaches on the issue of migration from
sub-Saharan African states to South Africa and the problem of xenophobia.
In paragraph four the use of the linking word "moreover",
links the main idea in paragraph four,
namely the impact of cross-border migration globally on identity,
to the main idea of paragraph three about
migration from sub-Saharan Africa to South Africa.
The conclusion clearly reiterates his position as can be seen in this statement:
"To conclude, while mobility puts a strain on one's identity,
I argue that there is a core element such as my Zulu identity which remains constant."
Ziggy could also summarize some of the key ideas he stated throughout
the essay to demonstrate that he has done
justice to the stance he took in the introduction.
With regard to managing sources and referencing,
Ziggy is good at in-text referencing but could also
specify the page number when referring to particular aspects of the readings.
For example let's look at his introduction:
"Here, I want to look at the issue of black identity in particular,
and I want to argue that blacks that are mobile
and that are engaged in border crossing to seek work,
are far more at risk of being devalued and negatively
stereotyped than that of whites that are also border crossing (Sichone, 2008)."
The in-text reference here could have been: open bracket Sichone,
comma 2008, colon 258, close bracket full stop.
Where 258 is the page number.
Also note that Ziggy includes the notion of white privilege
into the statement which can also be attributed to Sichone.
This is a missed opportunity on Ziggy's part as it could have also
shown how identities that move across borders can change,
as in the case of black identity,
and also remain fixed,
as in the case of white identity.
For example, Ziggy could write,
"Black foreigners coming into South Africa looking for work are being
labeled as job stealers and other derogatory names.
So black identity changes here.
On the other hand, white foreigners coming into
South Africa are able to keep their identities in one piece,
and are not subjected to the negativity that is attached to black foreigners.
White identity therefore seems to remain stable here.
Some theorists, like Sichone,
would argue that black and white identities are
still being constructed in this manner in South Africa today."
This is a point that Ziggy tries to assert with respect to the issue of privilege.
Ziggy could have strengthened this argument by further drawing on
Thornton's view on how differences are
created through unequal access to cultural resources.
This is a good illustration of how examples taken from
the readings can act as evidence to support the points the writer wishes to make.
Overall then, Ziggy's essay is a marked improvement on
the previous draft in terms of
a coherent argument that is threaded through out the piece.
In Ziggy's reference list,
he does quite well at this stage.
He has correctly stated the author's surname first
followed by a comma then the author's initial followed by a full stop.
He has italicized the title of the book and has
listed the place of publication as well as the publisher correctly.
He nearly gets it right for Sichone as well.
But, you will note, that he has not indicated that Shepherd and Robins are the editors.
In other words he has not inserted eds after he mentions the name of the last editor.
So here, eds, would come after Robins's surname.
He has also forgotten to insert page numbers as
that is necessary when you use chapters in edited books.
You will also note that Ziggy has completely
forgotten to include Thornton as a reference here.
Remember, that all the sources that you use in
your essay must appear as a reference in your reference list.
Now, you can look back on the tasks you submitted in
the first three weeks and the feedback you received from your peers.
Think about how these can be incorporated as you write your first full essay draft.
Feel free to make some changes to the work in progress.
